Constellations of Grief

In loss, there are patterns and connections to be found if you look closely enough. Grief is often a chaotic, overwhelming storm of emotions that, while painful, is made up of distinct, recognizable points of light.

There are times I sit and write a few paragraphs in remembrance of a dog we've had to say goodbye to, and will add to the end a simple sentence; "I will look for you in the stars." On quiet nights alone, I sit outside at night and stare at the sky, the stars appear to be close together at times but I know, in reality, they are vast distances apart. They only form a "constellation" because of our perspective here, so far below, lifting our eyes upward to find the beauty in heavenly patterns.

Early in the experiences of loss, everything feels scattered and disconnected. The shock, the anger, the exhaustion. The sadness of loss is in a battle with the joy of memories and each of these moments relate to one another, connecting dots in the sky. You begin to recognize which moments provide light and which moments act as the void that defines them.

One comment I get, noticeably more often than others, "I don't know how you do what you do, I couldn't do it. It would be too hard."

While living this life that involves deep love and great loss, I've had to find a way to deal with grief that doesn't allow it to consume me. I'm not just letting grief happen to me. I am observing it, mapping it, and trying to find a way to make sense of the new sky I am living under each time the heavens gain a new star.

Each and every dog I have been fortunate enough to love has been overlooked in this world, in one way or another, but are now the brightest points in my memory.

There are so many people I know and love who have felt the sadness that follows the loss of a beloved pet. The massive void that lingers from the moment their fur leaves your fingertips is a physical pain that is hard to explain. You'd do anything to save them, give anything to have them back, for just a little while longer,

The only peace I find in the loss of one of my dogs, is simply the confidence in knowing what a gift it was to provide them mercy. To stand between a dog and pain, and take it so they don't have to, is a burden I am glad to carry. I imagine my world would be much sadder if I had never gotten the opportunity to love them at all.

The bright spots between the voids are what keep me striving to find the next source of light right now as I navigate a steady stream of particularly heavy days following the loss of so many of my kids. The goodbyes are scattered across the skies forming constellations of memories and moments that keep me looking up.